i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
