new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
