he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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