I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
