I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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