Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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