No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
