worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
