His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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