I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize