I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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