mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
