I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
