Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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