i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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