Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
