i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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