no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
