I wish my penis had an off switch
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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