I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
