Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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