I wish my penis had an off switch
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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