honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
i think i just lost a toe
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
