you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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