I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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