dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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