I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
