I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
