he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize