I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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