I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
