Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
