Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
