Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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