If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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