that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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