U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
