Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
false alarm. still invincible.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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