i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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