Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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