I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
They took my balls.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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