yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
