I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize