....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm getting married
To pizza
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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