Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
