Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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