I'm gonna have a badass scar
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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