I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
