so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i love accidental penises.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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