I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
