u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
