I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I had to cum in my sink.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
