you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
