My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
