when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize