I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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