he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize