Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
